Saturday, May 8, 2010

baby's mama

I never wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. My image of one was of a high strung woman with rollers in her hair, wearing flip flops, sweatpants and a wife beater, carrying around a baby on her hip going off at her child’s father (where that image came from…I have no idea). So obviously my association of a baby’s mama was a negative one. It assumed the parents did not get along and fighting was their language. The child as a result was the one who suffered.   

Again, I repeat, I never ever ever wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. I grew up with just my Mother in the house (thank you mom) and I really appreciate that she never forced me on my….well the guy who is…I don’t consider him part of my family at all, so we’ll call him X. I learned through the years of trying to reach out to him consistently that he couldn’t care less about what I was going through, about what my dress was like for Prom, or the first guy to break my heart, or what College I was applying too, heck that I was even applying to College. I tried so hard for so long for X to acknowledge my existence and take an interest in me, I mean I was his daughter, right?...right? I guess not.  

I never really thought I’d have kids (before I found out I was pregnant), but once I had a child of my own the thought of being a single parent of being a ‘baby’s mama’ never crossed my mind even though my daughter’s father and I didn’t have a solid relationship. We tried to make it work, and it ran smoothly for awhile, but went ka-put right in front of my eyes. And I gotta tell ya, even though I’ve been a ‘baby’s mama’ for about 2 ish years I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I don’t like it. There’s a slight pain in my heart when someone asks if my daughter’s father and I are still together, they hear the no, then give me the ooohh then their eyes graze the floor. That together with my  race and age and I sometimes feel like people assume of course you wouldn’t be with your kids dad…just another stereotype. And I know I shouldn’t care what anyone says…but I can’t help but want to say yes I’m with my daughters father, we are a family. But I cannot tell a lie.  

But you know what…I’m not a baby’s mama, my name is Alex, excuse me, my name is Alexandra and yes my daughter’s father and I are separated, but we are both involved in our daughter’s life and both love her little dancing self to pieces. I sometimes find myself slipping up though; I get a bit flippant and high strung with him sometimes (that’s normal right?)…but you won’t catch me with rollers in my hair :)  

In your experience do baby’s mamas get a bad rap? If so, how come?


  1. I wonder if people see a difference in being a "single mom" versus a "baby mama." I do think being a baby mama can have negative connotations. My thought was that a baby mama is some chick that had a kid by some guy but had no real relationship with him outside of the fact that they "slipped up" and got pregnant. I think of single moms as someone who had a relationship with the child's father but for whatever reason it didn't work out. Now they co-parent separately. Does that make sense?

    I think it takes a special type of woman to be a single mom, so big ups to you and your mom for being fantastic women. :)

  2. Thanks for your insight Tara. And thank you for the kind words. I totally see what you mean when you say there is a difference b/w a single mom and babys mama. I actually shared this post with my daughters father and he liked it :) He pointed out to me that its all about our perception. Me knowing who I am and what roles we all play is so important in not being just another chick.

  3. I agree it's all about perception. You can wear the identity of 'single mom' proudly. I feel like 'baby mama' gets labeled onto women who are dependent and bring drama. If that's how they want to live then they will continue to get a bad rap. At the same time the term gets thrown around so loosely - it's just slang for saying 'my ex' in some cases.

  4. Hello, Alex! Stumbled upon your blog from Taryn Clark's blog.

    I never wanted to be a baby mama either. It's not such a bad thing I suppose. It's all about how you see the term and how you carry yourself. I am not with my baby's father either. I'm in my 3rd month of pregnancy and people ask me all the time if we're together. Unfortunately, I cannot lie either. I say no and of course some people just flat out ask what happened. Nosey tails, lol. I would've liked for it to work with him, but we just can't be together. My focus is on my child now. That's what's most important. :) Good blog!

  5. I just wanted to say I love your blog and the design is amazing!!

    Amanda -

  6. Aww!!!you should not have to lie. Its nobody's business but yours. I used to care what people would think about me being a single mom, but guess what? they are not living my life for me, so I stopped caring and kept it moving.

    As far as baby mama vs. single mom, people are going to label you no matter what. You can't control that. I just try to remember they are just words and focus on what is really important :)

    Btw, cool blog.

  7. I agree with Tara. A baby mama is not the same as being a single parent. Baby mamas are those girls who sleep around and get pregnant. Then they want to go on the Maury Show with like five different guys trying to find out who the father is. I'm a single mommy and I don't feel bad at all when I tell people that I'm not with my daughter's father.

    I also don't let anybody refer to me as his baby mama either. At first, I didn't like being a single parent. But I had to ask myself if the reason I didn't like it was because of what other people thought of me when they found out I was another single black twenty something year old with a kid. I felt like I was adding to the stereotype and statistics. But it dawned on me one day that I didn't really give a damn what other people thought when they saw me minus my child's father.

    I am not a stereotype or a statistic. I am a college educated woman who after a five year relationship ended up as a single mom not from any fault of my own. I'm not about sticking out bad situations for the kids. I watched my mom try to do that crap with my father and I was in pure hell. They don't know how excited we were that they finally called it quits. I will not put my daughter through the same experience.

    Life happens and I chose to roll with it instead of getting left behind. I love my daughter and her father and we are happy with our situation.

  8. Thank you ALL for taking the time to comment on this post!

    @intuituvemama- Our perception can help us or harm us. Tweaking it can open our eyes to much more in life. We just have to be willing and open to allow ourselves to experience it.

    @Kenya Mack – Thank you for visiting Mommy Glow and I hope you visit again soon!! Congrats on your pregnancy and hope you have a smooth 6 months! I completely agree that it includes how you carry yourself and your morals and values. And geez aren’t people nosy! It’s extremely annoying, wait until people want to touch your belly and tell you you’re having a boy or girl based on your how your carrying, lol.

    @Amanda Stock-Thanks for visiting and I’ll definitely check out your website. I spent a lot of time harassing my web designer to get the blog how I envisioned in my head, and I love the end result.

    @Mel-Your so right, no one elses business but my own! I did care at a point and it weighted very heavy on my heart, but after going through so things and growing up I realize now that the only person I should be concerned about is me and my daughter. She is what is most important :)

    @YumMama-Once again very good words, thank you. Once again it’s all about perception. Just like you associate baby’s mamas with girls who sleep around and then end up on Maury. Blows my mind that people still watch Maury, lol, it’s so embarrassing!!

  9. LOL. I'm hoping that Maury Show will be coming to swift end. It's disgusting and degrading on so many levels. Oh I added your button to my blogs i like list.

  10. Yes, yes, yes YUMMAMA, its such a disaster and how/why these woman choose to go onto TV and make themselves look like complete idiots baffles me. Guess everyone is looking for their 15 minutes of fame. But thats not fame!!
    Thanks for the love, am checking out your blog asap! And thanks again for the feedback!

  11. They're looking to become some sort of hood celebrity I guess. LOL. Thank you for checking out my blog and for the comment!!

  12. First, Happy belated Mother's Day.
    Second, I just want to give you a hug. I love your honesty. Your girl is lucky to have you as her mom!

  13. Happy Mothers Day everyday :) Thank you for your kind words. It;s hard to be so open about these topics that weigh heavy on my mind and heart, but its so important for me to get these words out there.


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