Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Rough Night

So I'm sitting here, and the plan was (as it always is) that after I put my daughter to sleep I focus on getting my homework done and getting up to date on my coursework. Sounded like a plan, though I wasn't overly excited about it. I'm in the final 2 weeks of the Fall semester so I really need to get on my grind. So I put on some music to help motivate me and I instantly think of my daughter's father and start crying

My daughter and I spent another holiday without him reaching out and I was sad, but I ignored those feelings. And the emotions from his continued absence are really catching up with me. I mean I am seriously hurt that he is absent to help with his own child, It disgusts me. Especially when he lives in the same town as me...mere minutes from my home.

I shed a tear because the Father he was has appraently died.
I shed a tear because he doesn't get to see how wonderful she is.
I shed a tear because he doesn't get to experience all the wonderful new things she is doing and learns everyday. 
I shed a tear because I feel sorry for myself that I am so stuck on dumb with him.

When will I fully realize and understand that I cannot make him want to be a Father?

I wanted so badly to pickup the phone and call him tonight, to tell him that his absence has affected his daughter, that she needs a Father, a Dad. But, I can't do that. Because he won't hear me. He won't listen. He never does.

So, once again, I'll wipe away the tears, take some Excederin PM rest my head on my pillow waiting for a new day. For renewed strength to be able to deal with his absence. 

And I'll pray for continued strength to be able to be a capable single parent. 


12 comments:

  1. it gets easier...keep your head up!

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  2. It's rough right now. Believe me, I know. it's hard when you want to share all of your child's amazingness w/their father but he is, well, absent. Sigh. I know some may say, "it's his loss," and it is. But sometimes it's hard b/c as a mom you kinda feel like it's the kid's loss too... b/c the kid doesn't get to have a father. Sigh. I know it's rough. One thing you can do is to do exactly what you've been doing -- tell her how amazing she is, how proud you are of her, and that it's not her fault that her dad is not around. Let her know you don't know why he's not around, but that she IS worthy of love and of a loving parent.

    But like I said... I'm sure you do that already.

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  3. Hi Alex! Thank you for your visit. I love your blog design! I'm sorry you're going through a tough time but your little girl is lucky to have you. Don't waste your precious tears on her Daddy. I feel sorry for him because he's the one who's really missing out. Stay strong, you'll get through this.

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  4. PS: there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with shedding a tear... or two. I never got the notion of women of color having to muster up strength and courage seemingly out of nowhere. Huh? Shed that tear, let it release you you from whatever is weighing you down, then pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move... so that YOU can be the best mother that your daughter needs. Okay now I'm done. #thatisall

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  5. PS: there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with shedding a tear... or two. I never got the notion of women of color having to muster up strength and courage seemingly out of nowhere. Huh? Shed that tear, let it release you you from whatever is weighing you down, then pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move... so that YOU can be the best mother that your daughter needs. Okay now I'm done. #thatisall

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  7. I grew up with my Mother being a single parent so I can understand the pain you are experiencing. I am sorry you and your daughter are having to experience that but know IT. IS. HIS. LOSS! He is the one who is TRULY missing out! Be strong and keep it in prayer. God will carry both of you!

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  8. It takes time but eventually you get to a place where you make peace with it. You're not stuck on dumb, you're stuck on what you feel is right. Unfortunately people don't always do what's right.

    I know from experience but my daughter and I are doing well. She is healthy, happy, and blessed. And not a day goes by that I don't take the time to make sure his loss doesn't becomes her loss. Because ultimately I can't change who he is but I can make sure she has what she needs to feel special.

    I'm sure you are doing the same with your child. **big hugs** to you both.

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  9. @Janelle – Thank You, there is comfort in knowing that what is now wont be in the future and that it will get easier.

    @Alicia – Thanks Girl. You spoke how I feel. She is such an amazing kid, everyone who knows her loves her, so its so hard to see her own blood walk away from her. I definetly stay positive @ him even though he is absent. She asks about him, less than she used too, and most times I don’t have to say anything before she says oh daddy is working he cant pick me up, but maybe next time. Breaks my heart. Because he still is apart of her life even though he’s absent. And in her room (even though it hurts) I have a picture of all 3 of us when she was just 6 months old. Her face lights up when she sees it. She still has good memories of spending time with her Dad. Sigh.

    @TheBabyMammaChronicles – Thank You, I love my blog design too, it’s a good representation of who I am! And you know, I’m sorry for him too. He’s missing out on such wonderful memories. Memories that you can’t get back.

    @Ashley – Yes, I have to repeat that over and over: it’s his loss, its his loss, its his loss!

    @Danielle – Yes, it does take time to heal and I cant expect things to be ok overnight. Your right, we cant change who other people are, all we can do is change our reaction to them. I’ve worked and continue to work really hard to make sure she has all that she needs and wants and more. It has not been easy, but motherhood and living aint easy! I honestly feel that she knows she’s special 

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  10. I feel like everyone covered what the truth of the matter- his loss- so I just wanna give you a e-hug.

    and remind you about my request.. lol skin regime

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  11. Hi Alex, I can rememebr those times like it was yesterday and mini-me is now 11. One thing that may help is reminding yourself that you are being the best mom to her. Would you rather her father to be forced to participate and she pick up on that? He may or may not come around. While you activley live your life, continue to raise a daughter who will do better in the male selection department (hoped you laughted). Trust me, she will eventually not care..FACT. Hugs, prayers and applause for your strength.

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  12. One day the pain will subside. I don't think it will ever go away. One day when my son was younger, he would ask "Why doesn't my daddy love me?" Do you know how that broke my heart? I just said "It's not that he doesn't love you." He just doesn't know how to be a daddy." I hope one day your ex will come around because it really does something to the child. Thankfully, I married a man who treats my son as his biological son and loves him unconditionally. I hope that for you and yours. Be blessed, Mommy Glow.

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