So, I didn’t have a good start to the morning. Ugh.
It all started once I got to my daughter’s daycare. I Brought her in her classroom, hung up her sweater and lunchbox, kissed her precious little forehead, and walked out of her classroom. As I was walking out, I saw her… and I froze. Our eyes connected and it was as if the world froze. It took everything in me to not attack.
Let me back up. In January of last year while I was in CVS I saw my daughter’s father and his new ‘girlfriend’ and her son. He and I at that time we not on speaking terms, and he had not seen his daughter in a month or so. As soon as I saw them I froze. And so did he. I walked over to them, said hi to him (which totally freaked him out) put my hand out and said hi, I’m his daughter’s mother, are you his girlfriend? She said yes and I walked away. As soon as that door to CVS opened I started my meltdown. I quickly called a friend as tears rushed down my face. How could he spend time with her when he doesn’t even see his child? How can he spend time with her son when he doesn’t even show interest in his own daughter?
That girl in CVS looks a lot like the new teacher at my daughter’s daycare. I obviously know it’s not her, but it’s his type. Which looks nothing like me at all. But seeing her brings me back to that chilly night in January and it makes me want to e.x.p.l.o.d.e. I know I shouldn’t care, and it really really bothers me that I let it get to me so much.
All I know is that when I see her, my heart rate accelerates and my hands instantly turn into fists and turn rock solid. (Pause: I’m not a violent person, I’ve never gotten into a fight-ever)
It broke my heart to see him with a new girlfriend last year when he and I had so many unresolved issues and hadn’t really had an official breakup.
I know that I should just brush it off, I mean this girl has no place in my life, I shouldn’t care about her, or let her impact me so much, where when I get into my car I start bawling. Geez, what’s wrong with me?! And so what if by chance he is I’m dating someone, who happens to be a phenomenal person, so why why why does he still impact me so much??
Logging you in...
Lissiebean-I really needed to hear that its ok to have these feelings. Through the heartache and pain I've learned tough lessons. One of them being to accept these emotions and accept that I'll have them for awhile, its just heart wrenching to still feel so connected to him. I mean, we do have a daughter together, and most days are friendly with one another. I think hes a phenomenal man. Maybe if i hated him it would be easier. But i dont want that to be us. I dont want to curse him and bust the windows out of his car. Though I once was very close to doing so. But you are so so very right, healing takes time, and I have to understand that I'm not healed yet.
ReplyDeleteThank you mama xo
I think you handled the CVS situation very well. A lesser woman would have slapped him up side his head and then beat up his chick. Yes, I have witnessed a smack down like that.
ReplyDeleteYou can't help it that you still love obviously. Men move on quicker masking their emotional hurt in the form of a new woman. I'm 100% positive that his attraction for her was that she was similar to you in a lot of ways that you don't know about. You just have to let nature take its course. Maybe, in time he will realize where his true love lies. Or maybe, you'll have moved on and found the man that God has destined you to be with forever.
Life is a maze of surprise events and emotional roller coasters.
You absolutely handled this situation with class. See...I probably would've respectfully asked him in front of his girlfriend why he hasn't made time to see his daughter. I'm emotional like that. I don't have the answer to why he moves you into a whirl of emotions the way that he does. There are just people that do that to us. My baby's father has that power over me as well. I wish I would get over it. *sigh* Sending you lady *hugs*. Be strong. Be encouraged, mama.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your support. I oh so purposefully left out the fact that I waited for them when they got out of CVS and by that time my face was covered in tears, I yelled at him, asking why he was spending time w/ THAT and not his own child. I ended up looking like a fool. ugh.
ReplyDelete@YUMMama-wow i never thought of that...that maybe she was similar to me on a deeper level than looks. Yep gotta let nature do what its gonna do and all I can do is try to prepare myself for the ride. I have definitely learned that life is truly a maze, and maybe the lesson is in the journey not destination.
@Kenya-I feel your *hugs* lol. I try to be strong esp around him, but I know he sees the care I have for him. But its not our time. Power. Everyone tells me he still has power over me, that i let him affect me too much. Thats my daughters father not some bum on the street I will always have love for him. It's just so damn hard