2010 Motto: Just to get by
Dear 2010,
You have changed in me in so many ways.
I have decided to get off this roller coaster ride.
This was a tough year.
I cried too much. I doubted myself too much.
I was full of hurt, and anger, and aggression for most of my time with you.
I barked instead of talked. I chose to fight instead of love.
I alienated friends and family.
I managed to basically ruin the best relationship I've ever had.
I gave up on believing in my worth. I spent most of this year doubting my ability to be a capable parent and friend.
Another year down as a single mom, but why am I so sad? Am I enough? Can I continue to do this solo?
I still feel guilt for how my relationship ended with my coparent. Its my fault, its my fault, its my fault.
I felt like such a failure that we end the year as enemies rather than friendly coparents. Its my fault.
I learned that I am the decisive element.
My wounds bled heavy this year, for all to see.
Depression, rage, and anxiety filled this year.
Unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I spent the majority of this year shielding myself from the world, from reality, from myself.
When things started becoming to real…I ran. Fast.
But why?
What I am afraid of? Isn’t this supposed to be what dreams are made of?
2010, I wasted entirely too much time being bitter and angry over situations and people I cannot change, no matter how hard I tried.
2010...I’m glad to see you go.
I’m getting off the roller coaster and ready for 2011.
Signed,
Alexandra
Hey gorgeous, it's good to see you're leaving the bad stuff behind but try not to be so hard on yourself! Best of luck in the New Year. I'm hoping that 2011 is better than 2010 myself. With the exception of the birth of my daughter, it was a hard year. She brought a lot of light into the year at least though :)
ReplyDeleteAw, beautiful, accomplished Alex. Don't be so hard on yourself! You have a lot to be proud of from 2010 too! Parenting your beautiful child, managing school, work, and motherhood, walking, eating healthier, this blog, just to name a few. But I do wish for you more happiness and less pain in 2011.
ReplyDeleteHere's to an awesome 2011 for us all!
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you & your daughter in the coming year
We all have tough years. Applaud yourself for recognizing what you need to adjust, set goals & make the journey count in 2011. Wishing you & the Princess a year of blessings & prosperity!
ReplyDeleteI KNOW you are going to have an amazing 2011, simply because you've made the decision to! Put 2010 behind you and look forward to all the awesome things to come! Hang in there girl and have a safe and the happiest new year you've ever had!
ReplyDeleteWhile I recently found your blog, I can relate to almost everything you just listed-that was my 2009! I couldn't wait for that year to be OVER! So I can def tell you that it gets better. You've done a great job as a single mom and in time all things work out to how they're SUPPOSED to be (you and her father, friendships, etc.). You've gone through the fire so you're ready for whatever in 2011. Here's to it a being bigger and better year and reflection of who you are! Happy New Year!!
ReplyDeleteI know I'm late, but wow! I love this post. Honestly Alex, just the fact that you were able to write these things down for all to see is a HUGE sign of growth. HUGE! I have said this before to you, but I am so proud of you. You've been THROUGH it this year. And you've survived. You're still here. And you are moving forward. That alone deserves to be applauded. You don't always have to finish strongest or fastest.... but you've finished. You're done. Welcome to the next chapter of your life! Hugs and kisses!
ReplyDeleteAmen. Its Over. So much to look forward to and so much to learn from.
ReplyDeleteHUUUUGE e-Hug! HUUUGE!
xoxoxo
Ro