Dear 2010

2010 Motto: Just to get by

Dear 2010,

You have changed in me in so many ways.

I have decided to get off this roller coaster ride.

This was a tough year.

I cried too much. I doubted myself too much.

I was full of hurt, and anger, and aggression for most of my time with you.

I barked instead of talked. I chose to fight instead of love.

I alienated friends and family. 

I managed to basically ruin the best relationship I've ever had. 

I gave up on believing in my worth. I spent most of this year doubting my ability to be a capable parent and friend.

Another year down as a single mom, but why am I so sad? Am I enough? Can I continue to do this solo?

I still feel guilt for how my relationship ended with my coparent. Its my fault, its my fault, its my fault.

I felt like such a failure that we end the year as enemies rather than friendly coparents. Its my fault.

I learned that I am the decisive element.  

My wounds bled heavy this year, for all to see.

Depression, rage, and anxiety filled this year.

Unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I spent the majority of this year shielding myself from the world, from reality, from myself.

When things started becoming to real…I ran. Fast.

But why?

What I am afraid of? Isn’t this supposed to be what dreams are made of?

2010, I wasted entirely too much time being bitter and angry over situations and people I cannot change, no matter how hard I tried.

2010...I’m glad to see you go.

I’m getting off the roller coaster and ready for 2011.

Signed,

Alexandra