Thursday, August 19, 2010

Back at it...AGAIN!

Back at it AGAIN!

So many of you know about my … difficulty with co-parenting. I’ve cried many tears over the end of my relationship with my daughter’s father. Beat myself up over and over and over because we aren’t the ideal co-parents. Wondering where in the heck we went wrong. But it all boiled down to pushing all the BS aside because co-parenting matters to me. Because my daughter having 2 functional reliable parents means more to me than anything. Anything.

So why are we beefing AGAIN!!!

Long story short: there was some name calling, some raised voices, and a phone hung up in my face. Now he feels I’m a neglectful parent…claims other people see it too….

How dare, how dare, how D-A-R-E he call me a neglectful parent when he is only a “parent” Monday through Thursday from 3-8pm. How dare he tell me I’m neglectful, when I ensure that all of my daughter’s needs are met…and more. How dare he, how dare he.

My blood is b.o.i.l.i.n.g.

I know why he called me that. A few weeks back he didn’t bring her home by a certain time; I got frustrated and said I’ll pick her up for the rest of the week. He felt I was neglecting my daughter from seeing her daughter. But neglect is not a word I would EVER use. I have never called him a neglectful parent, I’ve used some other not so nice words before, but never neglect.

I will NOT apologize for wanting my daughter to follow a schedule. And I will NOT apologize for feeling like he needs to be more communicative with me when changes occur. I mean, when she came home late she wanted to eat, and then there was our bedtime ritual. He is definitely not offering to come help me with that. That is on me. And when she was cranky the next morning, I had to deal with that. Not him.

So we are back at it again. Again, again, again. And I’m not so sure the end result will be a positive one for either of us.

So WHAT do I do??? I sent him a not so nice text after our conversation, and I have not heard from him, nor have I reached out again. I want to just get away, move away from him. But that wouldn’t be in the best interests of my daughter. Where is there a middle ground? I’m really not so sure it exists anymore.


  1. Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry it's difficult for you. This might be a reach and maybe you've already done it, if it's possible, but is there anyone that can talk to him man-to-man? Does he have a pastor or big brother that you're cool with?

    Can you get a babysitter for the little one and go to his house, one-on-one to come up with a list of "co-parenting rules" that you both agree to abide by? Maybe you can give him an apology (not for things you feel you did right, but for something small to show him you are willing to do what's best for your daughter).

    I'm really rooting for you, because I know how much this means to you and your daughter. Let me know if there's any way I can help...

  2. I think @TP has a point. You guys need to set up some Co-parenting Rules. However, I would advice you guys meet in a public location and not his or your house. Maybe it would be good to go to visition mediation. He might be more inclined to stick to a schedule if it's court ordered and there will be legal consequences when he doesn't stick to it or give you proper notice of changes.

    And he might be upset that you've decided to pursue child support as well. Sounds like he's not really dealing with his feeling properly and that makes me wonder how emotionally stable he is during his time with your daughter. I would be careful and document issues, arguments and anything else that sticks. Just try not to let him get you caught up in the name calling and arguing.

    Stay calm and be the bigger person. And remember that just because you two have a child doesn't mean you have to limit yourself to staying close to him. Your happiness is just as important as your daughters. So I hope that you will find the right balance for both of you.

  3. I had a hard time dealing with my daughter's father, when he decided to get married to his high school sweet heart instead of being with me. From that moment when he told me this heartbreaking news, I told myself the only time that I would conversate with him is when its about my daughter. It has been like that ever since she was 5 years old and now she is 15 years old. He pays child support and I talk to him when I need to talk to him "about our daughter". It has worked out well. Yes, back then I hoped for more of a co-parent relationship, but it is what it is. My daughter does have a good relationship with her dad. When I made the choice to emotional disconnect myself with her father and focus on my daughter's needs, it made a huge difference.

    The communication with your child's father could be as simple or as hard as you want it to be. You can not "change" anyone else, but "you" can control how you handle or react to the situation. With time it will all work out for the better:)

  4. One more comment... You can not control what happens with your child in his household. You are going to have to "trust' him that he taking care of your child when you are not there. It is difficult and could be stressfull, but it is what it is. And he is not going to do the 'same' things that you would do in helping raising your child. To tell you the truth married couples go through the same kind of stuff, because two people come togehter with different backgrounds. So, the two important key factors are "trust" and communication.

  5. Nothing to add to the sage advice you've already gotten here, but just wishing you well and sending you cyber-hugs because I can imagine how hurtful it is to be called neglectful, especially by the one person in the world who should know better than anyone else that you're not.

    Besos, chica...


  6. Wow, Alex...I'm a new reader and can say I'm already amazed by your ability to strive for a good relationship with your ex for your daughter, and seek advice and community here on your blog. MUCH props to you for that spirit and attitude.
    I've been split with my daughter's father for 5 years, since she was 3.
    Over the years there have been times I've had concerns about his maturity level affecting her. The hardest times were the few years after we split because lack of trust was involved in or breakup.
    My advice to you is: if you don't already have a legal visitation agreement in writing, DO IT. I know it doesn't seem like such a rush when things are going well, but it's very helpful to have something concrete you can refer to if your daughter is being brought back later than verbally arranged.
    If there are deviations to what the two of you agreed to TRY really hard not to react emotionally! I KNOW it's hard! When you can calm down and be clear, send an *email* to your ex regarding what your expectations and concerns are for your daughter. That way you are also documenting every instance your agreement is not being followed by him.
    Try to stay very focused on what you *want* from the situation rather than focus on things you cannot control.

    Definitely go to mediation if things between you get too heated.

    My ex, over the years has had poor judgement at times...but he has also grown in these 5 years to be a much better Daddy than I could have imagined back then. My daughter is now 8 and growing into a young woman. She feels loved and cherished and connected to her Daddy and that is going to go a very long way for her...there is no replacing it.

    Lastly, please go easy on YOURSELF! This is a time where *you* may feel very out-of-control for not having made the relationship work, not having been able to "change" him or yourself, etc. It is OK to be making some mistakes...I know you have to be fierce to hold it all together. Ask for help, be gentle, forgive.

    I am rooting for you!

  7. Aww Alex. There's no doubt about it... you're in a tough spot. A really tough spot. I wish I had advice and/or answers. But all I can offer at the moment is an ear...

    I'm currently going through a not-so-good break-up with my son's father so I know how hurtful it may be to be in your shoes... it sucks. Big time.

    Maybe coming up with a list of co-parenting rules may help, maybe not. Only time will tell...

    Sending you an e-hug! You're an awesome mom and you're always there for your daughter and I'm sure she knows that!

  8. THANK YOU for all your comments. I agree with you all. I'm hurt, I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I feel let down. I feel like I'm letting my daughter down. And in my heart of hearts I want us to be together again...a family. And it breaks my heart every day that that is not the case. Breaks my heart everytime I look at my daughter...and see him. I dont know if we will ever have an ideal co parenting arrangment. I'm stuck on stupid with him, and it's up to me to change tht. I cant help my feelings for him, but I cant let that get in the way of parenting my daughter.
    He wont talk to me one on one anymore, in his eyes I've lost complete control, and he doesn't want to be around me. Maybe I have..maybe I have lost complete control.
    I cant seem to be the bigger person when my feelings are involed.
    I'm an uncontrollable emotional woman. Geez.
    Trust and communication. Our co parenting relationship has neither.

  9. Hi,
    I'm sorry you are going thru this but I have no advice on how to deal with that. My husband and I spat a lot about little things when it comes to our son and how we raise him..I just hate it when we do it in front of him instead of behind closed doors, it shows lack of control of the situation and that J (my son) could possibly sway one parent to give in to whatever it is he sholdn't have/do.

    Anyway, just wanted to tell you I found your button on Bloggy Moms.

    Heather from Mommy Only Has Two Hands!

  10. New around these parts, cute little blog you got here. I see you've got lots of conversation going on so I can't wait to read the posts thoroughly.
    My bf is in your situation, and so I'm kind of tuned to the conversations and gripes he has about co-parenting, but from a different perspective. I'm sure it'll be interesting to hear stories from a woman's perspective.
    Enjoy your day!

  11. I truthfully admire your efforts to co-parent in a civilized manner. I cannot speak to the situation from any personal experience but I can respect the difficulty. I love your blog & there's an award for you waiting at MY blog so stop by & check it out. & SMILE :)

  12. I gave you a blog award over at YUMMommy!!


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