I wrote this yesterday morning, but didn't have the time to post.
Damn its only 9:34 in the morning and already I’m ready to give up on the day, put on my pjs and curl into bed surrounded by pillows. Surrounded by nothing. I’m stressed, I’m aggravated, I’m exhausted, I’m worn, I’m burnt o-u-t. What is weighing most heavy on my heart and mind is my daughter’s father. We’ve haven’t been communicating at all recently and it’s really made me upset. He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t look at me. It’s as if I don't exist. Wonder if that is what he wants…me to just disappear. He will only communicate with me via technology. By text or by email. Does he hate me that much? Do we really have that much anger towards each other that we cannot even have a conversation. Cant even say hello when he drops her off. Makes me feel like a failure. How did we get to this point? We are both to blame, but here I am stressing about it…and I’m sure he could care less. Here I am crying at work because I cant even talk to the man that is the Father of my child. He has no idea how much he affects me. I guess we can’t be friends, guess that is too much to ask for. But I cannot just turn off my emotions. I’m a dangerously sensitive woman, and this situation, watching it fall apart right in front of me, is tearing me apart. Gosh, I feel so weak at times. So vulnerable. Come on Alex!! Toughen up!! Where is that armor of steel? Where is that don’t-mess-with-me attitude? Why with him, do I completely crumble?? I’m on an emotional rollercoaster with him…and we’re not even together. And he doesn’t even realize it. I’m not one of those co-parents that can curse him and talk a whole lot of ish about him and brush it all off. I cant do that, but man how I wish I could. In a way I feel trapped. Trapped in my emotions, in my thoughts. I cant escape them. I cant escape the want to go to him and tell him what is bothering me, to have him comfort me. For our daughter to hug us both, at the same time. 9:45, back to work I go, hoping these thoughts cease and I can get through my day. Fake smile is ready...gotta fake it till I make it.
*hugs* lady I'm so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers that God may give you the strength to deal with all of this. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you, but you will get through it. There is always a calming after the storm :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe his avoiding direct contact with you is his way of dealing with his own fragile emotions and getting over you. Guys tend to distance themselves in this kinds of situations. Or he could just be bitter and trying to get under your skin the only way he knows how to. Either way, you cannot let this affect you. You are strong and you shall overcome this.
ReplyDeleteGod never puts more on us than we can handle. This is just test and you have to stay focused on the rainbow behind the storm clouds.
Thanks for the support..I haven't been able to stop thinking of how dysfunctional our relationship is and how much it truly hurts me. I try and I try to be a good parent, good mother to my child, but the dysfunction we have makes me feel like i've lost.
ReplyDelete@Yummama - I've lost this test...I honestly cannot deal with anymore, I am on the edge, ready to have a nervous breakdown..I can only handle so much.
Awww Alex. I'm about to be in tears over here after reading this post. Sigh. I can NOT begin to imagine how you feel, but I can empathize. I know that you want what's best for your baby girl and it must be incredibly hard for to not even speak to someone you were once intimate with, and had a child together.
ReplyDeleteIs there any way you can talk to him over the phone, via text or by email and just say "hey let's try to be cordial for the sake of our daughter." Maybe just being cordial, like saying "hello" in front of your daughter, may help opening the door to longer conversations.
It's like taking baby steps... if that's what you want.
Oh, how happy I was to read this...to know I am not the only one struggling with the other parent. My daughter's father and I have not spoken in a year...Long story short, it is just email...when he will see her and then since I have to supervise the visits, I just sit there...Sometimes he says hello, sometimes he will address questions to me, like where do you want to eat, etc...But he never says goodbye to me and that hurts. I don't get it. He is very passive aggressive and manipulative, too. I don't trust him anymore, so I don't want to open up to him, I just wish he could treat me like a human being in front of our daughter! I can't believe we were ever in love and had our daughter six years ago tomorrow. It's been so difficult to accept. So sad for us, yet this is the way he wants it I guess...Blessings to you and your daughter. You are not alone.
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