Dear 2010

2010 Motto: Just to get by

Dear 2010,

You have changed in me in so many ways.

I have decided to get off this roller coaster ride.

This was a tough year.

I cried too much. I doubted myself too much.

I was full of hurt, and anger, and aggression for most of my time with you.

I barked instead of talked. I chose to fight instead of love.

I alienated friends and family. 

I managed to basically ruin the best relationship I've ever had. 

I gave up on believing in my worth. I spent most of this year doubting my ability to be a capable parent and friend.

Another year down as a single mom, but why am I so sad? Am I enough? Can I continue to do this solo?

I still feel guilt for how my relationship ended with my coparent. Its my fault, its my fault, its my fault.

I felt like such a failure that we end the year as enemies rather than friendly coparents. Its my fault.

I learned that I am the decisive element.  

My wounds bled heavy this year, for all to see.

Depression, rage, and anxiety filled this year.

Unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I spent the majority of this year shielding myself from the world, from reality, from myself.

When things started becoming to real…I ran. Fast.

But why?

What I am afraid of? Isn’t this supposed to be what dreams are made of?

2010, I wasted entirely too much time being bitter and angry over situations and people I cannot change, no matter how hard I tried.

2010...I’m glad to see you go.

I’m getting off the roller coaster and ready for 2011.

Signed,

Alexandra

Goodbye Preschool...Hello Kindergarten & Anxiety

I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot BELIEVE my baby is starting Kindergarten. I have been stressing ever since January when I had to hurry and get my application in on time to get my top pick. And while she didn’t get into my top choice (goodness sounds like College) she got into a really great English/Spanish Kindergarten. The school is founded on a dual-language immersion model. The dual-language immersion model is a rigorous academic program where students receive 50% English and 50% Spanish instruction and are expected to become biliterate - to read, write and speak with the same high level of proficiency in both Spanish and English. This model is based on an equal respect for different languages as well as equal respect for the cultures of which those languages are a part.

When choosing a school for her, it was really important that the school provide Spanish to the children. Few people know that I’m ½ Colombian. But I didn’t grow up with my Father who is 100% Colombian, so wasn’t exposed to the Spanish language or culture, which totally sucks!! I took Spanish in school, but was more interested in talking to my friends that learning. So I want to make sure lil mama is exposed to the wonderful world of Spanish at a young age so it’ll stick when she is older. I’ve started at home, and Dora is a big help (even though when ever lil mama wants to watch it I roll my eyes) and through her DVD’s she’s learned some basic Spanish. And I’ve taught her how to count to 10 in Spanish, which I think is amazing!!!

I was so nervous going into the Open House a couple of month’s back, while lil mama didn’t really understand. She knows that in September she starts Kindergarten, but doesn’t understand it’ll be a big change from Preschool. So at the Open House I was freaking out. I wanted to make sure I asked the right questions, didn’t want to come across as a pushy parent. Wanted to pay attention to the right things in the classroom, didn’t want to bump in the children. Wanted to get a feel for the Teachers. I didn’t want to miss anything and I think in the process missed everything lol.

So I called the school recently and had a 30 minute conversation with the receptionist about the questions I still had and she eased my worry about lil mama starting Kindergarten. It just feels like a whole world. It will be an adjustment for both of us. We’ll have to wake up earlier, and she will have a more structured agenda during the day-which is great. Preschool has been great, but her Teachers and I both agree that she is beyond ready for Kindergarten.

But honestly the whole thing is causing my severe severe anxiety! I’m a big worrier, but this really has me stressed. I want to make sure her transition to Kindergarten is smooth and that we are on time for school and that I am on time to pick her up. This means having to get off work early to pick her up, which means less money. Or I could go the route of After School and have a meeting tomorrow to find out the price. But geez thought I would be saving money having her start Kindergarten. Aaahhh!

Think I’m just stressed because this is a big step for her, she’s really growing up and not my lil baby I can rock anymore. How do I get past my worry and anxiety for her starting Kindergarten? Maybe it’ll come once she starts and we get a new routine going.