What’s been keeping me up at night

Well aside from my insomnia and sleep apnea….coparenting. Yes another post on coparenting from me. Co-parenting has always been something I have struggled with being a single parent. This past year has been an incredibly tough year for me and my co-parent and his relationship with our daughter. Our daughter is old enough now where she is severely affected when he is not around when he says he is going to be. Watching my daughter’s big brown eyes peer out the window waiting impatiently for her Dad, and him never showing up has shattered my heart into pieces. His previous absence and inconsistency really affected her, and as her Mother, I of course want to protect her and don’t want to see her hurting. 

I wrote a post titled What Scares Me About Co-Parenting, it was a very honest post about my concerns with this our usually dysfunctional co-parenting relationship. From the post: I am afraid that my daughter will grow up not trusting men. I fear every time she asks where her Daddy is. I fear that our daughter will resent me because I’m the tough parent and he’s the fun parent (when he’s around). I fear that she will grow up to be me. A worried child who felt like her Daddy didn’t love her. Because if he did he would surely want to spend time with me. He’d want to come around on birthdays, at my high school graduation, at the birth of my child. 

I’m glad I’m taking the time to be mindful of all these issues, but at the end of the day, she has me, and if I can say so, she’s pretty damn lucky to have such a passionate and loving mother. I can’t change her father; all I can do is keep the line of communication open with our daughter so she’s comfortable enough to have conversations about how she’s feeling. And we’ve had a few so far, they haven’t been easy for me, but they are important to have. It’s important to respect her feelings. This situation is difficult for her as well, and she needs to be able to have a voice. So while all these worries consume me at night, when I peek in her room and see her peacefully sleeping tangled between her favorite pillows, one foot hanging off the bed and snoring, I take a small comfort in knowing that I’m enough. 

Not a good start to the morning

So, I didn’t have a good start to the morning. Ugh.

It all started once I got to my daughter’s daycare. I Brought her in her classroom, hung up her sweater and lunchbox, kissed her precious little forehead, and walked out of her classroom. As I was walking out, I saw her… and I froze. Our eyes connected and it was as if the world froze. It took everything in me to not attack.

Let me back up. In January of last year while I was in CVS I saw my daughter’s father and his new ‘girlfriend’ and her son. He and I at that time we not on speaking terms, and he had not seen his daughter in a month or so. As soon as I saw them I froze. And so did he. I walked over to them, said hi to him (which totally freaked him out) put my hand out and said hi, I’m his daughter’s mother, are you his girlfriend? She said yes and I walked away. As soon as that door to CVS opened I started my meltdown. I quickly called a friend as tears rushed down my face. How could he spend time with her when he doesn’t even see his child? How can he spend time with her son when he doesn’t even show interest in his own daughter?

That girl in CVS looks a lot like the new teacher at my daughter’s daycare. I obviously know it’s not her, but it’s his type. Which looks nothing like me at all. But seeing her brings me back to that chilly night in January and it makes me want to e.x.p.l.o.d.e. I know I shouldn’t care, and it really really bothers me that I let it get to me so much.

All I know is that when I see her, my heart rate accelerates and my hands instantly turn into fists and turn rock solid. (Pause: I’m not a violent person, I’ve never gotten into a fight-ever)

It broke my heart to see him with a new girlfriend last year when he and I had so many unresolved issues and hadn’t really had an official breakup.

I know that I should just brush it off, I mean this girl has no place in my life, I shouldn’t care about her, or let her impact me so much, where when I get into my car I start bawling. Geez, what’s wrong with me?! And so what if by chance he is I’m dating someone, who happens to be a phenomenal person, so why why why does he still impact me so much??