What I’ve learned about myself so far in 2012

I’m not one to make resolutions at the beginning of a New Year. But in doing self-reflection I knew that I wanted 2012 to be an even better year than 2011. I want this year to be a year of growth where I challenge myself more than ever before. Challenge myself to jump higher and run faster. To leap. To live with reckless abandon. To trust love. To trust myself. To not be afraid to push the limits.

And 25 days into the New Year I can say that I’ve done just that and have learned so much about myself in the process. It’s interesting how situations arise that test you, that test your strength and you have to make a decision. You can go run in a corner and choose to be consumed, or you can strap on your armor and stand with your feet firm. I have been tested, it’s even fair to say I’ve been an emotional roller-coaster (cue Vivian Green’s song) this year.

While I’ve never been one to back away from difficult situations, I usually become an introvert, secluded myself from the world and hidden in a shell. On the exterior seemingly calm and collective, but on the interior a ball of fire. I’ve gotten by like this, but as you can imagine it’s not the ideal situation. But recently I’ve realized that I don’t have all the answers, that when I’m being tested I don’t have to stand alone. I’ve never been comfortable asking for help or sharing a lot of personal information with others, but I realized I can’t carry this load on my own. And I’m glad to say that I was able to look around me and find amazing support from my friends and family these past few weeks. There were no questions, no judgment, just pure concern, encouragement, and love for me and lil mama. It’s been overwhelming and slightly uncomfortable to know that I’ve got so many remarkable people in my corner who truly believe in me and genuinely want what’s best for me and my family.

What I’ve learned 25 days into 2012 is I’m stronger than I think. That when I think I’m backed into a wall, I’m really not, I just have to change my perspective and find another way. That I’ve got an amazing support system that’s there for me no matter what.

That Still I Rise. 

Babysitter = Stranger = Panic Attack

If you follow the blog, you may know that I don’t have a tight support system. Sorta just me, myself, and my divalicious daughter. It’s been hard to accept, and at times I get down, but at the end of the day it is what it is and we are family and I’m so lucky to have her.

Everyone who knows me knows that I live, breathe, eat, and sleep being a Mother. She is my life. For real. It definitely gets overwhelming not having any support, and I sometimes think I’m over my head, but I somehow manage to pull it all together. I've considered hiring an occasional babysitter to come to our home once a week for a few hours in the evenings to watch lil mama so I can go for a run or go to the library. Yes, you heard that right, I don’t want to hit the town or socialize, I want to be boring. Don’t judge.

But, honestly, the thought of a stranger caring for lil mama makes me have an asthma and panic attack all in one with a side of hives. Yes, call me paranoid, call me dramatic, but I get n-e-r-v-o-u-s. I’ve gotten some responses, and if I think there is potential I google/facebook/myspace their name or email. Not kidding. Any inappropriate pictures or language or funny smile and I hit the SPAM button with the quickness, cause homie don’t play that. The protective Mom inside me wants a complete background check, fingerprints, need to see if they’ve been arrested. Not kidding. Sigh. And then what they charge an hour! I mine as well just stay my butt home!! Oh well, it was a good thought, but this process has reaffirmed my thoughts that I’m not ready to hire a stranger to come in my home to watch my daughter.

Have you hired a babysitter before? Would you hire a babysitter? If you have, how have you calmed uneasy nerves about a stranger watching your child(ren)? Am I overreacting?