How to Talk to Little Girls

A friend of mine, who is a mother of 2 daughters, forwarded me this article titled How to Talk to Little Girls featured in The Huffington Post. The article by Lisa Bloom talks about girls & self image and how we as parents and adults play into girl’s self-esteem. Think for a second about your encounters with girls, do you comment on their hair or outfit? Are you quick to tell them how cute they are? (slumps down in seat).

Lisa says, "Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal”

Not good!! The article was enlightening to me; it made me take a hard look at how I interact with my own daughter as well as little girls I come across. I realize that I often comment little girls on their new haircut or sparkly tights. And while I never saw anything wrong with it, I am becoming more aware of how these constant comments can affect a girl’s self-esteem and expectations.

My friend Marlene who forwarded me the article had this to say after reading:

“It really opened my eyes to how I interact with my girls and other young children their age. I mean I am definitely one of those people that use compliments as an ice breaker with kids like "wow, you look beautiful in that dress" and even with boys "he look so handsome in that outfit" etc. And I also thought showering my girls with compliments like these would build their self confidence, but it's actually counter-productive because now thinking back I can recall instances where my own daughter would get dressed and ask ‘Mom, do I look pretty in this dress?, Does my hair look nice like this?’ I always say of course you look great no matter what.....BUT now I realize that she was seeking my approval. I want my girls' self confidence to be based on who they are and what they know and not how they look. I guess all we can do I acknowledge this and try to break the cycle. At least I do.”

This article made me think of a previous post of mine titled Does this diaper make my butt look big. In the article I talked about the poison that are Bratz dolls and how more and more kids are concerned with their image, when they should just be concerned about being kids! Raising a healthy and confident daughter is extremely important to me, and I know that in order to achieve this it takes a lot of patience and conversations with her. Though it seems that society is completely against my desires, promoting the complete opposite of role-models and putting so much pressure onto image.

Did you read the article by Lisa Bloom? How do you counteract society’s fascination with image when interacting with your own daughter or girls you may know? 

Back at it...AGAIN!

Back at it AGAIN!

So many of you know about my … difficulty with co-parenting. I’ve cried many tears over the end of my relationship with my daughter’s father. Beat myself up over and over and over because we aren’t the ideal co-parents. Wondering where in the heck we went wrong. But it all boiled down to pushing all the BS aside because co-parenting matters to me. Because my daughter having 2 functional reliable parents means more to me than anything. Anything.

So why are we beefing AGAIN!!!

Long story short: there was some name calling, some raised voices, and a phone hung up in my face. Now he feels I’m a neglectful parent…claims other people see it too….

How dare, how dare, how D-A-R-E he call me a neglectful parent when he is only a “parent” Monday through Thursday from 3-8pm. How dare he tell me I’m neglectful, when I ensure that all of my daughter’s needs are met…and more. How dare he, how dare he.

My blood is b.o.i.l.i.n.g.

I know why he called me that. A few weeks back he didn’t bring her home by a certain time; I got frustrated and said I’ll pick her up for the rest of the week. He felt I was neglecting my daughter from seeing her daughter. But neglect is not a word I would EVER use. I have never called him a neglectful parent, I’ve used some other not so nice words before, but never neglect.

I will NOT apologize for wanting my daughter to follow a schedule. And I will NOT apologize for feeling like he needs to be more communicative with me when changes occur. I mean, when she came home late she wanted to eat, and then there was our bedtime ritual. He is definitely not offering to come help me with that. That is on me. And when she was cranky the next morning, I had to deal with that. Not him.

So we are back at it again. Again, again, again. And I’m not so sure the end result will be a positive one for either of us.

So WHAT do I do??? I sent him a not so nice text after our conversation, and I have not heard from him, nor have I reached out again. I want to just get away, move away from him. But that wouldn’t be in the best interests of my daughter. Where is there a middle ground? I’m really not so sure it exists anymore.

Is Co-Parenting Really Worth All the Effort?

Please check out my latest post: Is Co-Parenting Really Worth All the Effort over on WeParent's website.

Many of you know the struggles I've had co-parenting. It's no easy task, and its something that I am learning to accept. Even though I get frustrated, even though I sometimes want to say its my way or the highway, I won't. Because co-parenting IS worth the effort.

Hope you all can check it out!

Where was all the haterade on Mother's Day?

Father’s Day has come and gone, and I hope all the Father’s out there had a great day with their families.

As I was scrolling through the updates on my Facebook page on Father’s Day I was extremely irritated seeing friends put up posts like the following, “Big shout out to my loser Baby Daddy in jail on Father’s Day!” and “Happy Fathers Day to all the REAL fathers.” It seemed like every other post used deadbeat or no good to explain a Father. Don’t get me wrong there was also a few that proclaimed their love for their Father or child’s Father, but they were rare.

We are all entitled to our own opinions, and there are a lot of men out there that have fathered children, but will never deserve the title of Dad or Father. I should know, my … the person who is my sisters Father is not involved in mine or my daughter’s life and he sooo does not nor has he ever deserved the title of Daddy in my life. I’ve come to peace with it (after a long time of wanting him around), and maybe that’s why I’m not on Facebook or Twitter airing my dirty laundry.

There were plenty of nasty comments on Father’s Day, but where was the haterade on Mothers Day??

There are also women out there that do not deserve to be called Mom or Mommy. Such as the mother of 2 in Arizona who decided that pursuing a career as a stripper and living with her boyfriend were more important than her 6 and 11 year old boys. So, she packed up her belongings and was going to leave her sons all on their own. When her oldest tried to stop her, she punched him in the stomach! Sounds like a superb mom if you ask me! That ‘mom’ was arrested by Arizona police and charged with possessing drug paraphernalia, disorderly conduct, and child neglect.

My aggravation comes from the fact that on Mother’s Day it’s not commonplace for people to talk negatively about deadbeat Moms, but why is it so regular and expected for people to talk smack on Father’s Day. I firmly believe that there are as many deadbeat Moms as there are Dads, but there is less media coverage on them, and they are better hidden within our society.

Why is it ok to talk negatively about Fathers, but not Mothers?

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/arizona-mother-arrested-move-children/story?id=10919821&page=1

i love my mother, but...

Let me preface by saying I love my Mother.

So, I’ve come across many articles that praise all the wonderful things that women and men have learned from their Mothers. They’ve helped them do this and do that and without them they wouldn’t be where they are. In these articles they often say all the grand things their Mother taught them. Maybe she taught them to be kind and fair. Or maybe she taught them how to cook or jump rope.

I hear these stories and I want to nod my head with agreement. I want to also think that my Mother taught me all these wonderful priceless treasures. But, I always think about what my Mother didn’t teach me. Hooray for being a pessimist.

My mother raised me and my 3 other siblings on her own. She worked tirelessly to provide the essentials for our family. So, a good work ethic, maybe I learned that from my Mother.

I don’t remember cooking in the kitchen together or making mud pies with my Mom. I don’t remember her helping me with my homework or teaching me how to ride a bike. I don’t remember her helping to show me how to be a Mother my first night home from the Hospital.

What I do remember is her leaving. Her being too busy to show a true interest in my interests. What I do remember is her being upset for having to drive me home from the Hospital with my 2 day old daughter and then leaving as soon as I got my baby girl out of the car. What I do remember is thinking what the hell am I supposed to do. What I do remember is missing my Mother, missing a Mother when I was growing up.

I wish I could list all the wonderful things I learned from my Mother. How she is my ultimate role model and without her I wouldn’t be where I am. I am thankful that she gave me life and taught me morals and values. But it almost seems like she got to the point where she gave up on us. It’s almost like she threw in the towel and called it quits with parenting. I can remember one birthday in particular, I came home from school so excited to see my mom. But the house was still. Her car was gone. I dragged my feet up the stairs with my head down. On my bed she left an outfit and a note that said Happy Birthday Alex, I’m at XX (her boyfriends) house for the night. No words could describe the pain and the hurt I felt. It’s a feeling I’ll never forget.

Again, let me repeat I love my Mother.

I wish she could have been there with me the first night home from the hospital where I was scared out of my mind with a newborn. I wish she would have showed more interest in me and not her boyfriend. I wish she could have hugged me after my first love broke up with me. I wish she could have taught me how to cook and shared her cooking tips.  I can wish for things to have been different growing up, but it won’t change what happened. And I wouldn’t want it too. And while I may be a little dysfunctional in the most fabulous way for not having a more attentive Mother, I think this is how I was supposed to be.

Is the family doomed?

I’m so excited to share that I’ve been given the opportunity to become part of the brownsistafamily! Brownsista is a phenomenal online community that seeks to celebrate the beauty, style, and accomplishments of African American women in Hollywood. I have joined the family as a guest blogger, and my first article, Is the family doomed is getting great feedback! 
 

 Read Is the family doomed here!

love sum Cute Beltz!

A few months ago I took the plunge…and joined twitter (find me: YoungFabMama) and I was instantly greeted by other lovely and spectacular women. I was able to connect with Kristen Ford-Stevens, owner and designer extraordinaire of Cute Beltz, an online boutique child belt store.

Kristen so graciously sent me a beautiful belt to review for all my wonderful FABtastic viewers! And let me tell you, I am beyond pleased with Kristen, Cute Beltz, and the belt we received! Let’s take this step by step.

1 – Packaging -> The belt didn’t arrive in your standard plastic wrap. Nope! Not at Cute Beltz. Our belt came in a beautiful little box, like a special surprise! I waited until my daughter came home and we opened it together, which she thoroughly enjoyed!

 2 – Style -> My daughter changes about…5 times a day. Style is important to her J The belt we received had a beautiful flower design that lil mama fell in love with. Literally! After she wore it to school, she then brought it with her in her bag to school. She is a bit of a showoff. And now she wants to wear it with every outfit. She is now even more excited about getting dressed in the morning and the belt adds a great touch to her outfits!

3 – Durability -> Some of the belts I have received in the past have tattered due to poor construction. This is not the case here. The belt is durable, it’s sturdy, and seems like it will withstand 4 year old grabby hands! The quality of the material, 1” 100% cotton webbing, and fabric shows and as a Mom I appreciate the durability and longevity of the belt.

4 – Coupon -> Our special flower belt was amazing, but that wasn’t all we got! Included in our package was a coupon. HOORAY! I love love love coupons, hehe. I have promised lil mama that once she sleeps in her bed for a whole month we can together order her a new belt.

I love the variety of fabrics Cute Beltz offers, and they have equally fabtastic belts for lil guys too! Belts are $14.95 and come in an array of great designs. From the chocolate raspberry to the tutti fruitti to the sand-and-sea belts, you are bound to find 1…or 2 belts to add to your childs wardrobe!

With each belt you have the option of choosing a D-ring or Velcro closing. And oh, the gift sets!! For just $25.99 you can receive a beautiful gift set that includes a cute belt along with a bracelet that compliments the belt! It’s a great addition to an outfit or gift for that lil lady in your life!   

I am so happy I was able to connect with Kristen and find out more about Cute Beltz, and I hope you all check out all the fabtastic and oh-so-stylish belts on their website!!

www.cutebeltz.com

info@cutebeltz.com

Join the mailing list, http://bit.ly/Xzkz4
Follow CuteBeltz on twitter - http://twitter.com/cutebeltz
Join our Facebook Group, http://bit.ly/Spw4c

Single parent by choice?

Would you choose to be a single parent? I don’t know why but this question has been playing over and over in my head. It is my assumption that men and women who are single parents aren’t so by choice. As you can see from my previous post ‘baby mama’ I personally would not choose to be a single parent. I enjoy having a spouse and raising a child with someone.

I was doing some research on the topic online and found strong arguments favoring choosing to be a single parent while others thought those who chose to be single parents were out.of.their.mind. I can understand both sides, but wouldn’t choose to be a single parent. There are some people who choose to conceive or adopt children without having a spouse, significant other, boyfriend, or husband. Many of these women are financially stable and have the financial means to adequately provide for a child without needing the $$ support of a second income.

Those in favor of single parenting by choice understand that a women’s biological clock may have a timer and if they are unable to find a spouse then they’ll seek alternative methods to have a child. They believe that a woman or man has all the tools necessary to raise a smart kind child, all without the help of a spouse.

Those who oppose say that 1 person alone cannot properly raise a child. A child needs a mother and father; single parents cannot fill both roles. To try to do so would be a disservice to the child. Single headed households are poorer and less educated than those households with two adults.

So would you ever choose to be a single parent? Why or why not?

baby's mama

I never wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. My image of one was of a high strung woman with rollers in her hair, wearing flip flops, sweatpants and a wife beater, carrying around a baby on her hip going off at her child’s father (where that image came from…I have no idea). So obviously my association of a baby’s mama was a negative one. It assumed the parents did not get along and fighting was their language. The child as a result was the one who suffered.   

Again, I repeat, I never ever ever wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. I grew up with just my Mother in the house (thank you mom) and I really appreciate that she never forced me on my….well the guy who is…I don’t consider him part of my family at all, so we’ll call him X. I learned through the years of trying to reach out to him consistently that he couldn’t care less about what I was going through, about what my dress was like for Prom, or the first guy to break my heart, or what College I was applying too, heck that I was even applying to College. I tried so hard for so long for X to acknowledge my existence and take an interest in me, I mean I was his daughter, right?...right? I guess not.  

I never really thought I’d have kids (before I found out I was pregnant), but once I had a child of my own the thought of being a single parent of being a ‘baby’s mama’ never crossed my mind even though my daughter’s father and I didn’t have a solid relationship. We tried to make it work, and it ran smoothly for awhile, but went ka-put right in front of my eyes. And I gotta tell ya, even though I’ve been a ‘baby’s mama’ for about 2 ish years I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I don’t like it. There’s a slight pain in my heart when someone asks if my daughter’s father and I are still together, they hear the no, then give me the ooohh then their eyes graze the floor. That together with my  race and age and I sometimes feel like people assume of course you wouldn’t be with your kids dad…just another stereotype. And I know I shouldn’t care what anyone says…but I can’t help but want to say yes I’m with my daughters father, we are a family. But I cannot tell a lie.  

But you know what…I’m not a baby’s mama, my name is Alex, excuse me, my name is Alexandra and yes my daughter’s father and I are separated, but we are both involved in our daughter’s life and both love her little dancing self to pieces. I sometimes find myself slipping up though; I get a bit flippant and high strung with him sometimes (that’s normal right?)…but you won’t catch me with rollers in my hair :)  

In your experience do baby’s mamas get a bad rap? If so, how come?

welfare

The history of welfare programs in the U.S. includes the fact that originally the program was designed for war widows.  Most of these women were white and the program was meant to tide the woman, usually a mother, over until she could marry a new husband and be supported by him.

Today the image of a welfare mother is far different and usually is of a woman of color instead of a white woman.  Women today are also more likely to have children outside of marriage and welfare is less likely to be for war widows.

How do you think these changes in recipients have affected the public opinions about welfare and about the recipients?

I think that very few recipients of welfare understand the history of the system. They don’t know how the system was created and what its purpose was. Realizing that the program was designed for war widows makes me view the system completely differently and it also angers me because of how the welfare is today.

I leaned on the welfare system when I was pregnant 5 years ago. I was ashamed and embarrassed to fill out the application and to meet with a worker and to get my EBT card. I was embarrassed when I went into the supermarket to purchase groceries and did my best to shield my card from the cashier and others in line. Why? Personally, I felt it was a failure that I couldn’t provide for myself. But what I also did know is that as soon as I was able to go back to work, I would and I would get off of welfare. I never looked at the program as a long term. It was there to help those in need and I was not going to take advantage.

The problem I see now in my community is that welfare is some type of game that people need to beat. They receive assistance, but have a job on the side they don’t report. They claim they don’t have money to pay rent or buy toothpaste and toilet paper but they have an Iphone, new Nikes, and their nails painted. Every.single.week. Welfare recipients tend to have a variety of resources available to help recipients get back on their feet. From job training programs to parenting classes to apartment help. The idea is that ok, people need help and we need to help them. Though some recipients take advantage. Welfare is not a career. So now the public opinion is that welfare is a crutch for people. It’s viewed as a means to help people become more dependent. And the fact that most recipients now are of woman of color only reiterates stereotypes within our society. Those women of color need help, that they are needy, and poor. It’s a sad sad reality based on why the program was designed. Of course not all recipients are devious, and like myself I appreciated the help, but also worked extremely hard to get off the system and did so in a year.

 Lets keep the dialouge open, what is your take?

does this diaper make my butt look big??

Artist P. Byrnes featured a cartoon in the March 2000 issue of the New Yorker. The cartoon is of a baby looking into a mirror thinking ‘this diaper makes my butt look big…’ Hmm, does this innocent child truly feel his butt looks big? Did someone tell him his butt looked big? Maybe I'm overreacting, but I was really taken back by the image, and I got pissed.

Now that I am a mother, image has been something that I am concerned about for my daughter. It started before she was born. I ensured I got the best stroller, diaper bag, crib, and diapers. Then when she was born, I only dressed her in brand name clothes and made sure everything matched and her hair was done. I raised my nose at those who bought store named diapers and clothes. Why? Because I am conceited? No, but because I feel that how she looks is a reflection of the type of person I am and is a reflection of me. Making sure she is put together in public shows that I have the time to dress her and do her hair, a reflection that I am a good mom. Right? 

Am I that concerned with what other people think? 

Kids & Image

From babies to kids, there are tons and tons of toys for kids nowadays. From talking Dora dolls to Bratz dolls. What are Bratz dolls? Let me paint a picture: a little shorter than a Barbie, a face overtaken with large lips and eyes. Lips gleaming with pink lipstick and eyes drunken with eye shadow, eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and mascara. Bleach blonde hair all the way down their back. A tight fitting neon strapless dress with a belt at the waist and stiletto heels...maybe Jimmy Choo? Are you kidding me? These nasty lil dolls are NOT allowed in my home. Period.

Parents purchase these ridiculous dolls without knowing the underlying results behind it. Girls who own these dolls often want to be like them. What image are the manufactures sending with dressing these dolls in these provocative get-ups? What are parents telling their children when they want a ‘sexy’ dress and hair extensions and makeup? Where is the line drawn? And when did growing up stop being fun and start being scary?

Ask young girls who their role models are and I doubt they’ll say Harriet Tubman or Joan of Arc. Instead they’ll say they want to grow up to be Britney Spears. The Britney Spears who dresses provocatively and grinds left and right? 
Why has society accepted these rump-shaking girls as role models?