What’s been keeping me up at night

Well aside from my insomnia and sleep apnea….coparenting. Yes another post on coparenting from me. Co-parenting has always been something I have struggled with being a single parent. This past year has been an incredibly tough year for me and my co-parent and his relationship with our daughter. Our daughter is old enough now where she is severely affected when he is not around when he says he is going to be. Watching my daughter’s big brown eyes peer out the window waiting impatiently for her Dad, and him never showing up has shattered my heart into pieces. His previous absence and inconsistency really affected her, and as her Mother, I of course want to protect her and don’t want to see her hurting. 

I wrote a post titled What Scares Me About Co-Parenting, it was a very honest post about my concerns with this our usually dysfunctional co-parenting relationship. From the post: I am afraid that my daughter will grow up not trusting men. I fear every time she asks where her Daddy is. I fear that our daughter will resent me because I’m the tough parent and he’s the fun parent (when he’s around). I fear that she will grow up to be me. A worried child who felt like her Daddy didn’t love her. Because if he did he would surely want to spend time with me. He’d want to come around on birthdays, at my high school graduation, at the birth of my child. 

I’m glad I’m taking the time to be mindful of all these issues, but at the end of the day, she has me, and if I can say so, she’s pretty damn lucky to have such a passionate and loving mother. I can’t change her father; all I can do is keep the line of communication open with our daughter so she’s comfortable enough to have conversations about how she’s feeling. And we’ve had a few so far, they haven’t been easy for me, but they are important to have. It’s important to respect her feelings. This situation is difficult for her as well, and she needs to be able to have a voice. So while all these worries consume me at night, when I peek in her room and see her peacefully sleeping tangled between her favorite pillows, one foot hanging off the bed and snoring, I take a small comfort in knowing that I’m enough. 

What scares me about Co-Parenting

Living in Massachusetts all my life, I’ve heard about The Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Pregnancy briefly throughout the years, and then became more aware of them once Tara over at The Young Mommy Life starting writing with them. After a bit of networking I have happily been asked to write for their blog called The Pushback. The Pushback is a great blog through the alliance whose contributors are those that work directly with young parents or young parents themselves (like me and Tara). The Pushback is a chance to push against all that ignorance, bitterness, and prejudice and show what young parenthood really looks like.

I’m excited to share my first post with you all, and it’s titled: What scares me about Co-Parenting. Yes, if you are one of my dedicated readers you know I’ve written quite a few posts regarding my tense co-parenting relationship. There is a lot of fear I have for myself and daughter because of my now strained relationship with my daughter’s father. I encourage you to check out my post along with the Alliance, which is a great support for people in Massachusetts as well as nationwide.

Back at it...AGAIN!

Back at it AGAIN!

So many of you know about my … difficulty with co-parenting. I’ve cried many tears over the end of my relationship with my daughter’s father. Beat myself up over and over and over because we aren’t the ideal co-parents. Wondering where in the heck we went wrong. But it all boiled down to pushing all the BS aside because co-parenting matters to me. Because my daughter having 2 functional reliable parents means more to me than anything. Anything.

So why are we beefing AGAIN!!!

Long story short: there was some name calling, some raised voices, and a phone hung up in my face. Now he feels I’m a neglectful parent…claims other people see it too….

How dare, how dare, how D-A-R-E he call me a neglectful parent when he is only a “parent” Monday through Thursday from 3-8pm. How dare he tell me I’m neglectful, when I ensure that all of my daughter’s needs are met…and more. How dare he, how dare he.

My blood is b.o.i.l.i.n.g.

I know why he called me that. A few weeks back he didn’t bring her home by a certain time; I got frustrated and said I’ll pick her up for the rest of the week. He felt I was neglecting my daughter from seeing her daughter. But neglect is not a word I would EVER use. I have never called him a neglectful parent, I’ve used some other not so nice words before, but never neglect.

I will NOT apologize for wanting my daughter to follow a schedule. And I will NOT apologize for feeling like he needs to be more communicative with me when changes occur. I mean, when she came home late she wanted to eat, and then there was our bedtime ritual. He is definitely not offering to come help me with that. That is on me. And when she was cranky the next morning, I had to deal with that. Not him.

So we are back at it again. Again, again, again. And I’m not so sure the end result will be a positive one for either of us.

So WHAT do I do??? I sent him a not so nice text after our conversation, and I have not heard from him, nor have I reached out again. I want to just get away, move away from him. But that wouldn’t be in the best interests of my daughter. Where is there a middle ground? I’m really not so sure it exists anymore.

Is Co-Parenting Really Worth All the Effort?

Please check out my latest post: Is Co-Parenting Really Worth All the Effort over on WeParent's website.

Many of you know the struggles I've had co-parenting. It's no easy task, and its something that I am learning to accept. Even though I get frustrated, even though I sometimes want to say its my way or the highway, I won't. Because co-parenting IS worth the effort.

Hope you all can check it out!

Troubled Morning

I wrote this yesterday morning, but didn't have the time to post.

Damn its only 9:34 in the morning and already I’m ready to give up on the day, put on my pjs and curl into bed surrounded by pillows. Surrounded by nothing. I’m stressed, I’m aggravated, I’m exhausted, I’m worn, I’m burnt o-u-t. What is weighing most heavy on my heart and mind is my daughter’s father. We’ve haven’t been communicating at all recently and it’s really made me upset. He doesn’t talk to me, he doesn’t look at me. It’s as if I don't exist. Wonder if that is what he wants…me to just disappear. He will only communicate with me via technology. By text or by email. Does he hate me that much? Do we really have that much anger towards each other that we cannot even have a conversation. Cant even say hello when he drops her off. Makes me feel like a failure. How did we get to this point? We are both to blame, but here I am stressing about it…and I’m sure he could care less. Here I am crying at work because I cant even talk to the man that is the Father of my child. He has no idea how much he affects me. I guess we can’t be friends, guess that is too much to ask for. But I cannot just turn off my emotions. I’m a dangerously sensitive woman, and this situation, watching it fall apart right in front of me, is tearing me apart. Gosh, I feel so weak at times. So vulnerable. Come on Alex!! Toughen up!! Where is that armor of steel? Where is that don’t-mess-with-me attitude? Why with him, do I completely crumble?? I’m on an emotional rollercoaster with him…and we’re not even together. And he doesn’t even realize it. I’m not one of those co-parents that can curse him and talk a whole lot of ish about him and brush it all off. I cant do that, but man how I wish I could. In a way I feel trapped. Trapped in my emotions, in my thoughts. I cant escape them. I cant escape the want to go to him and tell him what is bothering me, to have him comfort me. For our daughter to hug us both, at the same time. 9:45, back to work I go, hoping these thoughts cease and I can get through my day. Fake smile is ready...gotta fake it till I make it.