He Wasn’t Meant to Marry

As I continue going through the painful motions of co-parenting with my daughter’s father is has me traveling down memory lane remembering how I became a single mama and the end of my relationship with a man I loved oh so much.

I became a single mom in 2008 when my daughter was about two years old. Her father and I were at a point in our relationship where there were more arguments than laughter, more tears instead of kisses. We realized that over time our needs had shifted and the distance between us was too great to repair. Raising a toddler put a lot of strain on our relationship. I was 19 when I gave birth to our daughter; I was still growing and learning about the world when I had her. At the time of our breakup I was busy reenrolling in College, living on my own with our daughter, and trying to figure out who I was and what the heck I was going to do with the rest of my life. I needed to focus on me. He was busy raising two other children, starting a new career, and getting settled. He needed to focus on him.

It took me a looong time to realize that he and I just weren’t meant to be. It’s bittersweet when you finally accept this truth; it puts so much into perspective. Simply put, he wasn’t meant to marry. In an ideal world our daughter would love to see us together, married, and all living together? Yes, she’s told me countless times, but that is not how our cards were dealt. I had to stop with the guilt, with beating myself, wondering what I could have done differently, how I could have made us work. But, some things are not meant to be repaired and patched up.

He is someone I loved very dangerously, he is the father of my child, and she is the spitting image of him. I will always have a connection with him, regardless of the issues that we encounter; there will always be some form of love. He just wasn’t meant to marry, and I’m finally ok with that. It’s funny how life happens, the end of that relationship brought sunnier days to my life. Being able to focus on me allowed me to really get to know myself and in the process enabled me to fall in love and my heart is happy. Really really happy :)

Where is the love, the love, the love?

I’ve read so many anti-valentines updates today, and they’ve all rubbed me the wrong way. I’ve spent the past 2 Valentine’s Day with my significant other, but this year I’m single. And before today I was feeling really bummed about it. I mean, you can’t escape the reds and pinks and flowers and cards and candy. I was like, come ON already!! I was entirely salted that I was spending this Valentine’s Day without a boo by my side to enjoy this hallmark holiday with. And when I woke up I was all my all black everything status. No happiness here, just gloominess. Then I had a change of heart. I told myself my emotions determine the mood. This can either be a good day or I can spend the whole day miserable. So I put my black dress back, and instead chose a cream one topped off with a light pink scarf. And I decided that today was going to be a good day. Who friggen cares that I don’t have a boo today. I’m not going to curse all the couples I see. Love is a beautiful beautiful thing. And if people are lucky enough to find it than that’s glorious. We need to stop the hate, and appreciate!! We should all remember the wonderful people in our lives that we love and that mean something to us. This is a day not only for lovers, but this is a day for love in general. 

my daughter this am

I am so so blessed to have a awesome 5 year old to call my daughter and I love her to pieces. She is my valentine today and always. I turned my frown around when I saw her hair standing up in bed as she perked up and said mommy, its party day at school! She lights up my life, and makes me truly appreciate my ability to love and be loved.

And know what else I love about this hallmark holiday? Super awesome valentine chocolate will be discounted tomorrow! Hollller!!

In 2011 I choose....

In 2009 I initiated Africa 500. An effort to collect 500 books for an impoverished primary school in Zimbabwe. Together with friends and professors I completed this task and was able to ship close to 500 books over to the library of the primary school. After the first shipment of books arrived, the community decided to name the new library after me. Little did I know, but my efforts all the way in Massachusetts sparked a change within the community in Zimbabwe. My seemingly small effort enacted a sense of excitement within the community, and the principal encouraged everyone to learn how to read.

In 2010 I created Mommy Glow. I created Mommy Glow because as a younger minority mom I didn’t hear the voices of other young moms (especially minorities) represented positively in media and print. So I brought my voice into words and have the joy of connecting and collaborating with other moms of various backgrounds and nationalities. And what a wonderful journey it's been.

In 2011 self-love is the journey I’m undertaking. I can honestly say that I don’t have much self-love. My love is showered on my daughter. She is my joy. She is my heart. She is love. I don’t take the time to learn myself and love myself. And, I suppose I don’t know how. I grew up in a household where my Mother wasn’t openly affectionate with me and my siblings. When I was a teenager, she wasn’t around much and I was just sort of wandering. I was lonely. My Father was not a part of my life, and I leeched onto boyfriends to fill the void within my heart. Looking back now I see that I was looking for a cure. A cure for an unfulfilled heart. A heart quenching for love and admiration. A love that I didn’t get from either parent. And when I loved, I loved hard. Too hard. Fell too fast. Hurt so badly I bled. I put up with so much that I shouldn’t have. For what…love? I’m not sure I know what love is.

My solution to the end of a relationship was to fill my time with someone else. I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to hurt, I just wanted to f-e-e-l. To feel something other than numb. Silly me, huh? I have yet to heal from my past relationships. Left are wounds that still hurt, that still bleed. These wounds are left unattended, because I’m afraid to go back and fix them, to remember the pain. And I hold so much guilt inside. The guilt weighs so heavy on my mind. On my heart. I’ve realized that no one else can remove this weight. Regardless of how much they love me. Because if I don’t love me, no one can ever truly love me. Which begs the question, who am I? I feel that my purpose has been clearer since giving birth to my daughter. But am I just a Mother? I eat, sleep, and bleed for my daughter. And she knows that. People who know ‘me’ know that. I cannot be away from her without having a slight asthma attack. But I’ve gotten to the point where I have too much baggage. I have so much hurt within that it’s starting to seep out of me. I don’t want to feel hurt anymore. I don’t want to lean on relationships to mend my heart. It’s up to me.

So in 2011 my journey is self-love. Self-acceptance. To find out who I am. To find out what makes me happy, because I’m unhappily unhappy, and it's not ok. It’s not ok.