Journaling Motherhood

I was over reading The Young Mommy Life’s most recent post, Love Letter to my 2 year old. Tara wrote a letter to her soon to be 2 year old son, and it really touched me and is the inspiration for this post.

My daughter will be 5 at the end of next month (where in the world did time go??) when she was first born I didn’t work and had time to write in my journal about motherhood and update her baby book and work on her scrapbook. But as time went on I went back to work, and if that wasn’t enough I went back to school full-time. So now I work full-time, am a full-time student, and a single mom. So needless to say my schedule is a bit packed and I hardly have time to breathe most days. But Tara’s post made me think about that journal that I wrote in.

My daughter turning 5 next month is a big landmark for me. For us. A few days after her 5^th birthday I’ll be celebrating (dreading) my 25^th birthday. I think back to 2:11pm on September 22^nd, 2005 when I saw my surprisingly pale daughter for the first time. I thought she’d be a baby forever. And when she became a toddler I thought she’d be a toddler forever. And now as we prepare for her to start Kindergarten in just weeks, I cannot not believe that my baby girl has grown up so fast.

I don’t want to forget about the little things she says and the funny things she does. These moments are so precious and priceless and I want to be able to remember them and share them with her when she is older.

So I’ve decided I want to journal about motherhood, a diary for my daughter when she gets older. I can track my thoughts and feelings as she continues to grow and learn and explore. I should have started this when she was a baby, but better late than never. 

My baby girl when she was 6 months

Where was all the haterade on Mother's Day?

Father’s Day has come and gone, and I hope all the Father’s out there had a great day with their families.

As I was scrolling through the updates on my Facebook page on Father’s Day I was extremely irritated seeing friends put up posts like the following, “Big shout out to my loser Baby Daddy in jail on Father’s Day!” and “Happy Fathers Day to all the REAL fathers.” It seemed like every other post used deadbeat or no good to explain a Father. Don’t get me wrong there was also a few that proclaimed their love for their Father or child’s Father, but they were rare.

We are all entitled to our own opinions, and there are a lot of men out there that have fathered children, but will never deserve the title of Dad or Father. I should know, my … the person who is my sisters Father is not involved in mine or my daughter’s life and he sooo does not nor has he ever deserved the title of Daddy in my life. I’ve come to peace with it (after a long time of wanting him around), and maybe that’s why I’m not on Facebook or Twitter airing my dirty laundry.

There were plenty of nasty comments on Father’s Day, but where was the haterade on Mothers Day??

There are also women out there that do not deserve to be called Mom or Mommy. Such as the mother of 2 in Arizona who decided that pursuing a career as a stripper and living with her boyfriend were more important than her 6 and 11 year old boys. So, she packed up her belongings and was going to leave her sons all on their own. When her oldest tried to stop her, she punched him in the stomach! Sounds like a superb mom if you ask me! That ‘mom’ was arrested by Arizona police and charged with possessing drug paraphernalia, disorderly conduct, and child neglect.

My aggravation comes from the fact that on Mother’s Day it’s not commonplace for people to talk negatively about deadbeat Moms, but why is it so regular and expected for people to talk smack on Father’s Day. I firmly believe that there are as many deadbeat Moms as there are Dads, but there is less media coverage on them, and they are better hidden within our society.

Why is it ok to talk negatively about Fathers, but not Mothers?

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/arizona-mother-arrested-move-children/story?id=10919821&page=1

baby's mama

I never wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. My image of one was of a high strung woman with rollers in her hair, wearing flip flops, sweatpants and a wife beater, carrying around a baby on her hip going off at her child’s father (where that image came from…I have no idea). So obviously my association of a baby’s mama was a negative one. It assumed the parents did not get along and fighting was their language. The child as a result was the one who suffered.   

Again, I repeat, I never ever ever wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. I grew up with just my Mother in the house (thank you mom) and I really appreciate that she never forced me on my….well the guy who is…I don’t consider him part of my family at all, so we’ll call him X. I learned through the years of trying to reach out to him consistently that he couldn’t care less about what I was going through, about what my dress was like for Prom, or the first guy to break my heart, or what College I was applying too, heck that I was even applying to College. I tried so hard for so long for X to acknowledge my existence and take an interest in me, I mean I was his daughter, right?...right? I guess not.  

I never really thought I’d have kids (before I found out I was pregnant), but once I had a child of my own the thought of being a single parent of being a ‘baby’s mama’ never crossed my mind even though my daughter’s father and I didn’t have a solid relationship. We tried to make it work, and it ran smoothly for awhile, but went ka-put right in front of my eyes. And I gotta tell ya, even though I’ve been a ‘baby’s mama’ for about 2 ish years I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I don’t like it. There’s a slight pain in my heart when someone asks if my daughter’s father and I are still together, they hear the no, then give me the ooohh then their eyes graze the floor. That together with my  race and age and I sometimes feel like people assume of course you wouldn’t be with your kids dad…just another stereotype. And I know I shouldn’t care what anyone says…but I can’t help but want to say yes I’m with my daughters father, we are a family. But I cannot tell a lie.  

But you know what…I’m not a baby’s mama, my name is Alex, excuse me, my name is Alexandra and yes my daughter’s father and I are separated, but we are both involved in our daughter’s life and both love her little dancing self to pieces. I sometimes find myself slipping up though; I get a bit flippant and high strung with him sometimes (that’s normal right?)…but you won’t catch me with rollers in my hair :)  

In your experience do baby’s mamas get a bad rap? If so, how come?

welfare

The history of welfare programs in the U.S. includes the fact that originally the program was designed for war widows.  Most of these women were white and the program was meant to tide the woman, usually a mother, over until she could marry a new husband and be supported by him.

Today the image of a welfare mother is far different and usually is of a woman of color instead of a white woman.  Women today are also more likely to have children outside of marriage and welfare is less likely to be for war widows.

How do you think these changes in recipients have affected the public opinions about welfare and about the recipients?

I think that very few recipients of welfare understand the history of the system. They don’t know how the system was created and what its purpose was. Realizing that the program was designed for war widows makes me view the system completely differently and it also angers me because of how the welfare is today.

I leaned on the welfare system when I was pregnant 5 years ago. I was ashamed and embarrassed to fill out the application and to meet with a worker and to get my EBT card. I was embarrassed when I went into the supermarket to purchase groceries and did my best to shield my card from the cashier and others in line. Why? Personally, I felt it was a failure that I couldn’t provide for myself. But what I also did know is that as soon as I was able to go back to work, I would and I would get off of welfare. I never looked at the program as a long term. It was there to help those in need and I was not going to take advantage.

The problem I see now in my community is that welfare is some type of game that people need to beat. They receive assistance, but have a job on the side they don’t report. They claim they don’t have money to pay rent or buy toothpaste and toilet paper but they have an Iphone, new Nikes, and their nails painted. Every.single.week. Welfare recipients tend to have a variety of resources available to help recipients get back on their feet. From job training programs to parenting classes to apartment help. The idea is that ok, people need help and we need to help them. Though some recipients take advantage. Welfare is not a career. So now the public opinion is that welfare is a crutch for people. It’s viewed as a means to help people become more dependent. And the fact that most recipients now are of woman of color only reiterates stereotypes within our society. Those women of color need help, that they are needy, and poor. It’s a sad sad reality based on why the program was designed. Of course not all recipients are devious, and like myself I appreciated the help, but also worked extremely hard to get off the system and did so in a year.

 Lets keep the dialouge open, what is your take?