Rough Night

So I'm sitting here, and the plan was (as it always is) that after I put my daughter to sleep I focus on getting my homework done and getting up to date on my coursework. Sounded like a plan, though I wasn't overly excited about it. I'm in the final 2 weeks of the Fall semester so I really need to get on my grind. So I put on some music to help motivate me and I instantly think of my daughter's father and start crying. 

My daughter and I spent another holiday without him reaching out and I was sad, but I ignored those feelings. And the emotions from his continued absence are really catching up with me. I mean I am seriously hurt that he is absent to help with his own child, It disgusts me. Especially when he lives in the same town as me...mere minutes from my home.

I shed a tear because the Father he was has appraently died.
I shed a tear because he doesn't get to see how wonderful she is.
I shed a tear because he doesn't get to experience all the wonderful new things she is doing and learns everyday. 
I shed a tear because I feel sorry for myself that I am so stuck on dumb with him.

When will I fully realize and understand that I cannot make him want to be a Father?

I wanted so badly to pickup the phone and call him tonight, to tell him that his absence has affected his daughter, that she needs a Father, a Dad. But, I can't do that. Because he won't hear me. He won't listen. He never does.

So, once again, I'll wipe away the tears, take some Excederin PM rest my head on my pillow waiting for a new day. For renewed strength to be able to deal with his absence. 

And I'll pray for continued strength to be able to be a capable single parent. 

What scares me about Co-Parenting

Living in Massachusetts all my life, I’ve heard about The Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Pregnancy briefly throughout the years, and then became more aware of them once Tara over at The Young Mommy Life starting writing with them. After a bit of networking I have happily been asked to write for their blog called The Pushback. The Pushback is a great blog through the alliance whose contributors are those that work directly with young parents or young parents themselves (like me and Tara). The Pushback is a chance to push against all that ignorance, bitterness, and prejudice and show what young parenthood really looks like.

I’m excited to share my first post with you all, and it’s titled: What scares me about Co-Parenting. Yes, if you are one of my dedicated readers you know I’ve written quite a few posts regarding my tense co-parenting relationship. There is a lot of fear I have for myself and daughter because of my now strained relationship with my daughter’s father. I encourage you to check out my post along with the Alliance, which is a great support for people in Massachusetts as well as nationwide.

Excuse my absence

Wow, I haven’t written a new post in AWHILE! My apologies, it was never my intention to just up and leave my Mommy Glow. Life has been very stressful and I really couldn’t mentally take another thing on my plate. I’ve been in a real funky mood and have had a lot of changes going on that I haven’t really adapted well too. On top of that my daughter started Kindergarten and then turned 5, I turned 5, and her Father decided that he didn’t want to be a Father anymore and he wanted to take a break from being a parent for a month…but now wants to come back and act like everything is all gravy baby. And now I’m the bad guy because I won’t stand for his inconsistency. Oh and I turned 25 a few weeks ago. Oh and while I was away for my birthday weekend my car was towed and vandalized twice. Exciting!! Oh and I want to seriously drop out of school, I can’t mentally take the juggle and struggle of it all. I’m in my hardest semester in my entire college life and I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail at least 1 class. So yah, that and more is why I haven’t written, and I really apologize. But I literally have no down time, I don’t have any help with my daughter and I’m fricken stressed man. I always hear people say you need time for you. Well wouldn’t that be nice, but it’s not a luxury I have right now. I’m a single hard working mom. There is no break.

Where was all the haterade on Mother's Day?

Father’s Day has come and gone, and I hope all the Father’s out there had a great day with their families.

As I was scrolling through the updates on my Facebook page on Father’s Day I was extremely irritated seeing friends put up posts like the following, “Big shout out to my loser Baby Daddy in jail on Father’s Day!” and “Happy Fathers Day to all the REAL fathers.” It seemed like every other post used deadbeat or no good to explain a Father. Don’t get me wrong there was also a few that proclaimed their love for their Father or child’s Father, but they were rare.

We are all entitled to our own opinions, and there are a lot of men out there that have fathered children, but will never deserve the title of Dad or Father. I should know, my … the person who is my sisters Father is not involved in mine or my daughter’s life and he sooo does not nor has he ever deserved the title of Daddy in my life. I’ve come to peace with it (after a long time of wanting him around), and maybe that’s why I’m not on Facebook or Twitter airing my dirty laundry.

There were plenty of nasty comments on Father’s Day, but where was the haterade on Mothers Day??

There are also women out there that do not deserve to be called Mom or Mommy. Such as the mother of 2 in Arizona who decided that pursuing a career as a stripper and living with her boyfriend were more important than her 6 and 11 year old boys. So, she packed up her belongings and was going to leave her sons all on their own. When her oldest tried to stop her, she punched him in the stomach! Sounds like a superb mom if you ask me! That ‘mom’ was arrested by Arizona police and charged with possessing drug paraphernalia, disorderly conduct, and child neglect.

My aggravation comes from the fact that on Mother’s Day it’s not commonplace for people to talk negatively about deadbeat Moms, but why is it so regular and expected for people to talk smack on Father’s Day. I firmly believe that there are as many deadbeat Moms as there are Dads, but there is less media coverage on them, and they are better hidden within our society.

Why is it ok to talk negatively about Fathers, but not Mothers?

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/arizona-mother-arrested-move-children/story?id=10919821&page=1

Not a good start to the morning

So, I didn’t have a good start to the morning. Ugh.

It all started once I got to my daughter’s daycare. I Brought her in her classroom, hung up her sweater and lunchbox, kissed her precious little forehead, and walked out of her classroom. As I was walking out, I saw her… and I froze. Our eyes connected and it was as if the world froze. It took everything in me to not attack.

Let me back up. In January of last year while I was in CVS I saw my daughter’s father and his new ‘girlfriend’ and her son. He and I at that time we not on speaking terms, and he had not seen his daughter in a month or so. As soon as I saw them I froze. And so did he. I walked over to them, said hi to him (which totally freaked him out) put my hand out and said hi, I’m his daughter’s mother, are you his girlfriend? She said yes and I walked away. As soon as that door to CVS opened I started my meltdown. I quickly called a friend as tears rushed down my face. How could he spend time with her when he doesn’t even see his child? How can he spend time with her son when he doesn’t even show interest in his own daughter?

That girl in CVS looks a lot like the new teacher at my daughter’s daycare. I obviously know it’s not her, but it’s his type. Which looks nothing like me at all. But seeing her brings me back to that chilly night in January and it makes me want to e.x.p.l.o.d.e. I know I shouldn’t care, and it really really bothers me that I let it get to me so much.

All I know is that when I see her, my heart rate accelerates and my hands instantly turn into fists and turn rock solid. (Pause: I’m not a violent person, I’ve never gotten into a fight-ever)

It broke my heart to see him with a new girlfriend last year when he and I had so many unresolved issues and hadn’t really had an official breakup.

I know that I should just brush it off, I mean this girl has no place in my life, I shouldn’t care about her, or let her impact me so much, where when I get into my car I start bawling. Geez, what’s wrong with me?! And so what if by chance he is I’m dating someone, who happens to be a phenomenal person, so why why why does he still impact me so much??

Is the family doomed?

I’m so excited to share that I’ve been given the opportunity to become part of the brownsistafamily! Brownsista is a phenomenal online community that seeks to celebrate the beauty, style, and accomplishments of African American women in Hollywood. I have joined the family as a guest blogger, and my first article, Is the family doomed is getting great feedback! 
 

 Read Is the family doomed here!

baby's mama

I never wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. My image of one was of a high strung woman with rollers in her hair, wearing flip flops, sweatpants and a wife beater, carrying around a baby on her hip going off at her child’s father (where that image came from…I have no idea). So obviously my association of a baby’s mama was a negative one. It assumed the parents did not get along and fighting was their language. The child as a result was the one who suffered.   

Again, I repeat, I never ever ever wanted to be a ‘baby’s mama’. I grew up with just my Mother in the house (thank you mom) and I really appreciate that she never forced me on my….well the guy who is…I don’t consider him part of my family at all, so we’ll call him X. I learned through the years of trying to reach out to him consistently that he couldn’t care less about what I was going through, about what my dress was like for Prom, or the first guy to break my heart, or what College I was applying too, heck that I was even applying to College. I tried so hard for so long for X to acknowledge my existence and take an interest in me, I mean I was his daughter, right?...right? I guess not.  

I never really thought I’d have kids (before I found out I was pregnant), but once I had a child of my own the thought of being a single parent of being a ‘baby’s mama’ never crossed my mind even though my daughter’s father and I didn’t have a solid relationship. We tried to make it work, and it ran smoothly for awhile, but went ka-put right in front of my eyes. And I gotta tell ya, even though I’ve been a ‘baby’s mama’ for about 2 ish years I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I don’t like it. There’s a slight pain in my heart when someone asks if my daughter’s father and I are still together, they hear the no, then give me the ooohh then their eyes graze the floor. That together with my  race and age and I sometimes feel like people assume of course you wouldn’t be with your kids dad…just another stereotype. And I know I shouldn’t care what anyone says…but I can’t help but want to say yes I’m with my daughters father, we are a family. But I cannot tell a lie.  

But you know what…I’m not a baby’s mama, my name is Alex, excuse me, my name is Alexandra and yes my daughter’s father and I are separated, but we are both involved in our daughter’s life and both love her little dancing self to pieces. I sometimes find myself slipping up though; I get a bit flippant and high strung with him sometimes (that’s normal right?)…but you won’t catch me with rollers in my hair :)  

In your experience do baby’s mamas get a bad rap? If so, how come?