He Wasn’t Meant to Marry

As I continue going through the painful motions of co-parenting with my daughter’s father is has me traveling down memory lane remembering how I became a single mama and the end of my relationship with a man I loved oh so much.

I became a single mom in 2008 when my daughter was about two years old. Her father and I were at a point in our relationship where there were more arguments than laughter, more tears instead of kisses. We realized that over time our needs had shifted and the distance between us was too great to repair. Raising a toddler put a lot of strain on our relationship. I was 19 when I gave birth to our daughter; I was still growing and learning about the world when I had her. At the time of our breakup I was busy reenrolling in College, living on my own with our daughter, and trying to figure out who I was and what the heck I was going to do with the rest of my life. I needed to focus on me. He was busy raising two other children, starting a new career, and getting settled. He needed to focus on him.

It took me a looong time to realize that he and I just weren’t meant to be. It’s bittersweet when you finally accept this truth; it puts so much into perspective. Simply put, he wasn’t meant to marry. In an ideal world our daughter would love to see us together, married, and all living together? Yes, she’s told me countless times, but that is not how our cards were dealt. I had to stop with the guilt, with beating myself, wondering what I could have done differently, how I could have made us work. But, some things are not meant to be repaired and patched up.

He is someone I loved very dangerously, he is the father of my child, and she is the spitting image of him. I will always have a connection with him, regardless of the issues that we encounter; there will always be some form of love. He just wasn’t meant to marry, and I’m finally ok with that. It’s funny how life happens, the end of that relationship brought sunnier days to my life. Being able to focus on me allowed me to really get to know myself and in the process enabled me to fall in love and my heart is happy. Really really happy :)

Rough Night

So I'm sitting here, and the plan was (as it always is) that after I put my daughter to sleep I focus on getting my homework done and getting up to date on my coursework. Sounded like a plan, though I wasn't overly excited about it. I'm in the final 2 weeks of the Fall semester so I really need to get on my grind. So I put on some music to help motivate me and I instantly think of my daughter's father and start crying. 

My daughter and I spent another holiday without him reaching out and I was sad, but I ignored those feelings. And the emotions from his continued absence are really catching up with me. I mean I am seriously hurt that he is absent to help with his own child, It disgusts me. Especially when he lives in the same town as me...mere minutes from my home.

I shed a tear because the Father he was has appraently died.
I shed a tear because he doesn't get to see how wonderful she is.
I shed a tear because he doesn't get to experience all the wonderful new things she is doing and learns everyday. 
I shed a tear because I feel sorry for myself that I am so stuck on dumb with him.

When will I fully realize and understand that I cannot make him want to be a Father?

I wanted so badly to pickup the phone and call him tonight, to tell him that his absence has affected his daughter, that she needs a Father, a Dad. But, I can't do that. Because he won't hear me. He won't listen. He never does.

So, once again, I'll wipe away the tears, take some Excederin PM rest my head on my pillow waiting for a new day. For renewed strength to be able to deal with his absence. 

And I'll pray for continued strength to be able to be a capable single parent.